Dear Emily - Why am I depressed?

Dear Ms. Emily:

My depression often gets the better of me and I find myself being irritable, down in the dumps, not good company, and not wanting to do things. Don't get me wrong, I do do what I have to do and some how I get through my day, but like the song says, "What's it all about Alfie? Is it just a game we play?" How can I get myself out of this slump?

Help!

Sam

Dear Sam:

It does sound like you are depressed. Some people might suggest you see your doctor and try anti-depressants, but I am not sure that you can medicate your ennui away. It may be a spiritual crisis of sorts which you are experiencing without even knowing it. The three major questions which we all have to struggle with in life are: Why was I born? What is the purpose of my life? What happens to me when I die? It seems, at the current time, based on your question, that you are struggling with the second question, "What is the purpose of my life?"

Many people answer this question in many ways such as: to make money, to find love, to have as much fun as possible, to get high, to obtain power and control over others, to go shopping and consume material objects. None of these pursuits are very satisfying and fulfilling in the long run but they all are enticing in their short term thrills.

The real reason you are here on this earth, in this life, is to bring yourself and others to salvation. What that means is to give up the illusions of the ego and find the Love and Peace of God. The Love and Peace of God brings great joy. When you find a better way to live your life and get your life on a better track you become the Light of the world bringing God's Love and Grace first to yourself and then to everyone on your path. You do this through forgiveness. First, you must forgive yourself, because until you have purified your own spirit, you have little to share with anyone else. Then you forgive others and accept them in Love as yourself. This is hard to do at first, but gets easier as you overcome your fears and realize this is the will of God for you and you make it your own. You and God are a dynamic duo and working together you can move mountains.

The purpose of your life and the purpose of the lives of all of us is to become a teacher of God and bring about the healing of the world. We do this in millions of ways in a million places with millions of people all over the world. Give up the illusions and misperceptions of the ego and listen instead for the Voice of God which speaks to you and everyone all through the day.

The antidote to the depression is to look on the world in a different way. Love is there; we just have to overcome the obstacles and barriers to the awareness of its presence. As you become more aware you will notice you experience more peace and less anxiety and depression.

Peace,

Emily

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Dear Ms. Emily:

I discovered that my husband has been going on dating sites and emailing his matches. As far as I know he hasn’t met any of them in person, but it bothers me that he is flirting and getting romantically involved with other people on-line. Should I be worried or is this just harmless fun?

Sincerely, 

Karen

Dear Karen:

Your husband is looking for something, what that something is, only he could say. Why not ask him and have a conversation about what he’s doing? It seems odd that you would write to me rather than talk with him about the meaning of his behavior first. This is an important topic and you two need to come to a better understanding about what is going on.

Most people don’t objectively understand what makes them tick and why they do the things they do. My guess is that when you bring the subject up with your husband he will get defensive and try to rationalize his behavior. This is to be expected because he will be scared about your knowledge and what you will do with it. Reassurance from you that you love him, if you do,  and want only what is best for him, and for your relationship, can go a long way.

I would imagine that you are scared, too, about losing him and your marriage. While you may not want this, you would be wise to acknowledge this as an option. The hurtful thing about this behavior in your marriage is not the romance but the infidelity. Can you trust him? You don’t know until you discuss the situation with him and see whether he can be honest and come clean. If so, there is hope. If not, there is still a problem and it is not flirting with women on the internet, it is his inability to be honest and faithful to the relationship with you.

You can’t have a relationship alone. It takes two to tango as they say. So find out where he’s coming from in all this, and what if anything you can do with him to improve your relationship so he can use his time and energy in more constructive ways.

Good fortune,

Emily

Editor's note: Dear Ms. Emily is a regular feature of The Brockporter Online News Magazine and appears most Wednesdays. If you appreciate Ms. Emily's column, please make a donation to The Brockporter by using the PayPal button in the right hand column or by using the Brockporter/Amazon book widget below which adds no additional cost to you but allows The Brockporter a small sales commission from Amazon. Thanks for your support.

 

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Dear Ms. Emily - Parents ashamed of gay son

Dear Ms. Emily:

I’m a 21 year old college student and I just came out and told my parents that I am gay. I knew this would be difficult for them because of their religious beliefs. Having a gay son will bring a great deal of shame and awkwardness for them at church. Their friends at church have tried to console them telling them they would pray with them over it. I know they want me to change, and I have prayed on it and tried too, but I know what I am and no amount of praying and wishing things were different will help. At times I feel very bad and guilty for putting them in this situation of having a gay son, and at other times I feel very angry and want to never have anything to do with them again. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

I am so sorry that you live in a society where you can’t be openly who you are without it being a problem for other people. You do realize, don’t you, that it is their problem and not yours? Gay people have been around since human beings existed, and in many cultures and societies it was not the problem that it is today. 

The current problem you are struggling with has been created by the norms of our society which have been influenced and reinforced by toxic religious beliefs which strangely, Jesus never taught. Jesus taught about many other things such as how to treat the poor, and divorce, which people who claim to be religious, ignore, but they focus on things he never taught like homosexuality. It is the beliefs of your parents and their friends in the church which are the problem. The suffering these beliefs cause are of their own making. Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to, and your parents have given same sex orientation that power, unfortunately, but you need not allow it to hurt you. In fact knowing who you are, and celebrating your ability to be a loving human being can bring you great joy.

It is very important that you be true to yourself, and this isn’t an easy thing. It takes courage, and compassion for yourself and others, and great forgiveness for those who would judge you, shun you, and treat you with disdain and contempt. To stay true to yourself, as God made you, is living with integrity. 

There are people who will understand and support you and accept you and love you even if your parents and their church friends won’t. It gets better as you get older and learn how to handle the hurt of the exclusion and stigma some people place on your sexual orientation. I am guessing, if your parents truly love you, they will come around and accept and respect you for who you are. You are more important to them than their unhealthy religious beliefs. Things have a way of working out if you take them slowly, in stride, and learn the lessons which life teaches us which we were born here to learn.

If your parents continue to be hurtful avoid them. Maintain some sort of connection with them, but it can be minimal, a card on their birthdays and Father’s day and Mother’s day. Otherwise, get on with your life and create a satisfying, fulfilling life of your own. You will develop a “family” of your own friends who will be there for you when your parents’ beliefs prevent them from doing so. You might even find a church which welcomes and accepts gay people for who they are: children of God.

Parents raise their children and then have to let them go. You are at that stage in your life where you have to leave them and make a life of your own. It will be a life quite different, in some ways, from your parents and their friends, but it will be wonderful nonetheless.

I love you. 

All the best,

Emily

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Dear Ms. Emily - Grief over a miscarriage

Dear Ms. Emily:

I recently had my second miscarriage at 4 months and I am devastated. Nobody seems to understand. The first one was bad enough, but now a second miscarriage in less than a year makes me wonder what’s wrong with me? 

My partner is supportive in a passive way but I can tell he really doesn’t want to talk about it. He just says that it’s okay and we can try again. It’s not okay! I feel so all alone and try to just keep it to myself, but it’s gotten so bad I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

Everyone tells me that it will pass and get better but I feel like I am drowning. What can I do?

Help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany:

You are drowning, drowning in grief, and it doesn’t seem like anyone is there to rescue you so you will have to rescue yourself. Nobody else can rescue you because they don’t get it or, to protect themselves from grief themselves, they don’t want to get it.

Losing a baby is one of the most significant loses a parent can experience. With a miscarriage you are not only losing the baby, you are also losing the hopes and dreams and aspirations which you imagine for your baby, and those hopes and dreams are the hardest things of all to let go of.

Your grief is appropriate and legitimate and yet for various reasons it is stifled. You need to find a shoulder to cry on, even if it is a therapist. It would be better if you had a family member or a friend who isn’t afraid of your grief and distress, and who just can be there for you in an understanding way to listen. You deserve to be able to tell your story to someone who appreciates your struggle. There are on-line chat rooms and such, but it is better to share your story in person if possible.

Beyond that you have to be patient with yourself and with others and forgive yourself and others for whatever grievances cause resentment. There are things in life which are very negative and even traumatic which cannot be undone. They are water under the bridge and we can’t take them back no matter how much we wish we could. These are problems which we can’t solve, can’t resolve, all we can hope for is to absolve them. How do we absolve our mistakes and failures? We must do it with a sense of humor about the incongruities and absurdities of life, and with a sense of reverence for the wisdom of life and it’s abiding goodness realizing that things all come out in the wash.

I am moved to learn of your loss, and I understand your not wanting to get up in the morning because your grief is so heavy at the current time. Sometimes, in addition, to reaching out an for understanding witness, all we can do is sit with our grief for awhile until it subsides, which it eventually will. You are in a period of mourning and grieving which the people around you do not do much to recognize and acknowledge but which is true and real for you nonetheless. Honor the memory of your dead child by telling the story about its short life to someone who cares. While it is painful, it is also a beautiful thing, and this experience has become part of your life which you will never forget. If this experience leads to deeper sensitivity and compassion in your life, it will not be a total loss.

Sincerely,

Emily

Editor's note: Ms. Emily is a regular feature of the Brockporter Online News Magazine which appears most Wednesdays. If you have a question for Ms. Emily please send it to her via davidgmarkham@gmail.com.

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Dear Ms. Emily - Being chronically late is a character defect that's hard to change

Dear Ms. Emily:

My fiance is always late. It drives me nuts. I have constantly reminded her, and told her how much her tardiness bothers me, and  even tried telling her that the appointed time is 30 minutes earlier and still she is late. I love her, but lately I have thought of breaking off the engagement. I can't imagine living my life like this. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Mike

Dear Mike:

To be frank, I'd break off the engagement. People like this don't change. She is on her own time and in her narcissistic world that's all that matters. Making people wait especially when it becomes a pattern can be a symptom of many things, but even if you knew what it is, it wouldn't make any difference unless your fiance takes responsibility for her own unreliability and steps up and becomes punctual.

Luckily, you have become aware of a character defect in your potential partner before you make a solemn commitment. Get out while the getting is still good without a lot of legal baggage. She might be a wonderful woman, and you might love her dearly, but character traits are very difficult to change and it seems you have hung in there and tried more than enough. As you have learned the hard way one of the biggest tragedies in life is to fall in love with someone who isn't any good for you.

Let her go and save yourself a lifetime of aggravation.

Best wishes,

Ms. Emily

Editor's note: Dear Ms. Emily is a regular feature of the Brockporter Online News Magazine which appears most Wednesday. If you have a question for Ms. Emily you can send it to her at The Brockporter in care of David Markham to davidgmarkham@gmail.com.

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Dear Ms. Emily - Talking to strangers

Dear Ms. Emily:

I like to talk to strangers. Nothing pleases me more than to meet new people and engage them in conversation. My wife says I am crazy and should keep to myself, but I can’t help it. I find people fascinating and it makes me feel good to talk to them. Do you think my talking to strangers is weird?

Jack

Dear Jack:

I think your desire to talk with strangers is wonderful. It sounds like you’re more of an extrovert than your wife. Over the last 10 years there has been research done on what are called, HEPs, Highly Empathic People. One of the habits which HEPs develop is talking with strangers on the bus, in the mall, anywhere when they have time to kill.

The key is not to interrogate people but to be a curious inquirer. 95 % of the time if people are approached in a kind, sensitive way, following the person’s cues and responses, people will engage in a positive way and both parties will enjoy the interaction.

The world would be a much happier, better place, if everyone set for themselves a goal of striking up a conversation with a stranger at least once a week or maybe even once a day if there are opportunities to do so.

Unfortunately, out of our fear, parents instruct their children not to talk to strangers as if strangers would do them harm conditioning their children to live in fear of the other. This is a terrible world we inadvertently create in our misguided attempts to keep our children safe. Children do need to learn manners and how to handle situations using good judgment, but 99% of people are good people who would do no harm. It’s the 1% that engender the fear that lead us to live in anxious isolation.

By all means Jack continue sharing the blessing of being kind to strangers. It makes this world a much happier, healthier, more pleasant place to live in.

Sincerely,

Ms. Emily

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