Dear Ms. Emily - Grief over a miscarriage

Dear Ms. Emily:

I recently had my second miscarriage at 4 months and I am devastated. Nobody seems to understand. The first one was bad enough, but now a second miscarriage in less than a year makes me wonder what’s wrong with me? 

My partner is supportive in a passive way but I can tell he really doesn’t want to talk about it. He just says that it’s okay and we can try again. It’s not okay! I feel so all alone and try to just keep it to myself, but it’s gotten so bad I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

Everyone tells me that it will pass and get better but I feel like I am drowning. What can I do?

Help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany:

You are drowning, drowning in grief, and it doesn’t seem like anyone is there to rescue you so you will have to rescue yourself. Nobody else can rescue you because they don’t get it or, to protect themselves from grief themselves, they don’t want to get it.

Losing a baby is one of the most significant loses a parent can experience. With a miscarriage you are not only losing the baby, you are also losing the hopes and dreams and aspirations which you imagine for your baby, and those hopes and dreams are the hardest things of all to let go of.

Your grief is appropriate and legitimate and yet for various reasons it is stifled. You need to find a shoulder to cry on, even if it is a therapist. It would be better if you had a family member or a friend who isn’t afraid of your grief and distress, and who just can be there for you in an understanding way to listen. You deserve to be able to tell your story to someone who appreciates your struggle. There are on-line chat rooms and such, but it is better to share your story in person if possible.

Beyond that you have to be patient with yourself and with others and forgive yourself and others for whatever grievances cause resentment. There are things in life which are very negative and even traumatic which cannot be undone. They are water under the bridge and we can’t take them back no matter how much we wish we could. These are problems which we can’t solve, can’t resolve, all we can hope for is to absolve them. How do we absolve our mistakes and failures? We must do it with a sense of humor about the incongruities and absurdities of life, and with a sense of reverence for the wisdom of life and it’s abiding goodness realizing that things all come out in the wash.

I am moved to learn of your loss, and I understand your not wanting to get up in the morning because your grief is so heavy at the current time. Sometimes, in addition, to reaching out an for understanding witness, all we can do is sit with our grief for awhile until it subsides, which it eventually will. You are in a period of mourning and grieving which the people around you do not do much to recognize and acknowledge but which is true and real for you nonetheless. Honor the memory of your dead child by telling the story about its short life to someone who cares. While it is painful, it is also a beautiful thing, and this experience has become part of your life which you will never forget. If this experience leads to deeper sensitivity and compassion in your life, it will not be a total loss.

Sincerely,

Emily

Editor's note: Ms. Emily is a regular feature of the Brockporter Online News Magazine which appears most Wednesdays. If you have a question for Ms. Emily please send it to her via davidgmarkham@gmail.com.