Dear Ms. Emily:
I’m a 21 year old college student and I just came out and told my parents that I am gay. I knew this would be difficult for them because of their religious beliefs. Having a gay son will bring a great deal of shame and awkwardness for them at church. Their friends at church have tried to console them telling them they would pray with them over it. I know they want me to change, and I have prayed on it and tried too, but I know what I am and no amount of praying and wishing things were different will help. At times I feel very bad and guilty for putting them in this situation of having a gay son, and at other times I feel very angry and want to never have anything to do with them again. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Kevin
Dear Kevin,
I am so sorry that you live in a society where you can’t be openly who you are without it being a problem for other people. You do realize, don’t you, that it is their problem and not yours? Gay people have been around since human beings existed, and in many cultures and societies it was not the problem that it is today.
The current problem you are struggling with has been created by the norms of our society which have been influenced and reinforced by toxic religious beliefs which strangely, Jesus never taught. Jesus taught about many other things such as how to treat the poor, and divorce, which people who claim to be religious, ignore, but they focus on things he never taught like homosexuality. It is the beliefs of your parents and their friends in the church which are the problem. The suffering these beliefs cause are of their own making. Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to, and your parents have given same sex orientation that power, unfortunately, but you need not allow it to hurt you. In fact knowing who you are, and celebrating your ability to be a loving human being can bring you great joy.
It is very important that you be true to yourself, and this isn’t an easy thing. It takes courage, and compassion for yourself and others, and great forgiveness for those who would judge you, shun you, and treat you with disdain and contempt. To stay true to yourself, as God made you, is living with integrity.
There are people who will understand and support you and accept you and love you even if your parents and their church friends won’t. It gets better as you get older and learn how to handle the hurt of the exclusion and stigma some people place on your sexual orientation. I am guessing, if your parents truly love you, they will come around and accept and respect you for who you are. You are more important to them than their unhealthy religious beliefs. Things have a way of working out if you take them slowly, in stride, and learn the lessons which life teaches us which we were born here to learn.
If your parents continue to be hurtful avoid them. Maintain some sort of connection with them, but it can be minimal, a card on their birthdays and Father’s day and Mother’s day. Otherwise, get on with your life and create a satisfying, fulfilling life of your own. You will develop a “family” of your own friends who will be there for you when your parents’ beliefs prevent them from doing so. You might even find a church which welcomes and accepts gay people for who they are: children of God.
Parents raise their children and then have to let them go. You are at that stage in your life where you have to leave them and make a life of your own. It will be a life quite different, in some ways, from your parents and their friends, but it will be wonderful nonetheless.
I love you.
All the best,
Emily
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