Dear Ms. Emily:

I discovered that my husband has been going on dating sites and emailing his matches. As far as I know he hasn’t met any of them in person, but it bothers me that he is flirting and getting romantically involved with other people on-line. Should I be worried or is this just harmless fun?

Sincerely, 

Karen

Dear Karen:

Your husband is looking for something, what that something is, only he could say. Why not ask him and have a conversation about what he’s doing? It seems odd that you would write to me rather than talk with him about the meaning of his behavior first. This is an important topic and you two need to come to a better understanding about what is going on.

Most people don’t objectively understand what makes them tick and why they do the things they do. My guess is that when you bring the subject up with your husband he will get defensive and try to rationalize his behavior. This is to be expected because he will be scared about your knowledge and what you will do with it. Reassurance from you that you love him, if you do,  and want only what is best for him, and for your relationship, can go a long way.

I would imagine that you are scared, too, about losing him and your marriage. While you may not want this, you would be wise to acknowledge this as an option. The hurtful thing about this behavior in your marriage is not the romance but the infidelity. Can you trust him? You don’t know until you discuss the situation with him and see whether he can be honest and come clean. If so, there is hope. If not, there is still a problem and it is not flirting with women on the internet, it is his inability to be honest and faithful to the relationship with you.

You can’t have a relationship alone. It takes two to tango as they say. So find out where he’s coming from in all this, and what if anything you can do with him to improve your relationship so he can use his time and energy in more constructive ways.

Good fortune,

Emily

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